


you'll heal and you'll rise above

by MoonlightBreeze



Series: Whumptober 2020 [10]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Has Feelings, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, And he gets that hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Hurt Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus is a nice thing, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm, Whumptober 2020, and now onto the serious tags, but please be aware, no beta we die like men, this character death is Maryse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26989189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: After Maryse dies, Alec struggles to reconcile all of the abuse he suffered at her hands. Magnus is there to help him work through it.Whumptober 2020 prompt fic - Blood lossWarnings for self-harm, child abuse (emotional/psychological), and minor character death that is Maryse Lightwood. Please, please keep yourselves safe! <3Hopeful/happy ending.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Maryse Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & himself, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Whumptober 2020 [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950094
Comments: 12
Kudos: 133





	you'll heal and you'll rise above

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This is the second of the fics I needed to edit and post. Two more are headed your way soon. This was written for the Whumptober prompt: blood loss. 
> 
> Warnings for self-harm, child abuse (of the emotional/psychological kind), and minor character death. Please be aware that this minor character death is Maryse Lightwood. Please keep yourselves safe and don't read if any of this is triggering to you! <3
> 
> Again the title is from Achilles, Come Down, which is an amazing song and I highly recommend listening to it!
> 
> I really hope you like this!! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And, as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

Alec gritted his teeth and punched again. The leather bag arced away from him smoothly, propelled by the force of his hit. He smiled grimly in satisfaction and jabbed his stele against his Strength rune. He needed to _hurt_. 

Memories flashed through Alec’s mind unbidden as he delivered another painful blow to the punching bag in front of him. Izzy, crawling into his bed the previous night like she was still five. His hand in her hair, gently stroking as she held tight to him and cried. Jace, knocking on his door with a downcast gaze and tears he wouldn’t let anyone else see pooling in his eyes. Even Clary and Simon, offering him words of condolence and invitations to talk if he needed to. He remembered waving them away, saying he was fine, saying everything would be okay. 

He wasn’t fine, and it felt like nothing would ever be okay again. 

Spots of crimson decorated the punching bag in front of him, and Alec almost felt bad for whoever would have to clean it up. It wasn’t their fault he was a fucking mess or that he needed to beat himself bloody just to fucking feel something. 

Alec thought briefly of calling Magnus, but the idea of revealing to anyone else what was going on was too daunting. He didn’t think he could handle it if one more person looked at him with pitying eyes or approached him with apologies and condolences. And he thought he just might start punching people instead of bags if someone else tried to talk to him about Maryse’s good traits and redeemable qualities and her big, compassion-filled heart. 

A single tear slipped down Alec’s cheek, and he cursed himself internally. _Why_ was he crying? He didn’t have any reason to grieve. Maryse was a woman who had placed herself again and again in the way of Alec’s happiness, and he had never been good enough for her. He shouldn’t mourn, he _couldn’t_ , he didn’t deserve to. 

_She’s still your mother_ , Izzy’s voice whispered in his ear. Alec gritted his teeth and ignored it, landing another blow to the punching bag. Sure, she was his mother, but what the fuck had she ever done for him? She’d given him nothing but nightmares and trauma and he had no goddamn right to feel sad about her death when her _real_ children had it so much worse. Jace, the golden boy, the star of the family - he was probably in Clary’s art studio, wringing his hands together and talking about how much he would miss her while she painted and hummed and listened. Izzy, the daughter too much like her own mother - she was probably in Simon’s arms, listening to the tapes of one of his awful studio performances. He’d made a song just for her, and Izzy wouldn’t ever admit it, but Alec knew she listened to it on repeat. 

Alec felt a small pang of remorse; Izzy was probably going through the same thing he was right now. She’d been the subject of her mother’s ridicule and emotional abuse just as much as Alec had. 

_But Maryse was trying to make things right with Izzy_ , the demon in Alec’s mind reminded him. _She never even cared enough to try with you._

It was true. 

After her divorce from Alec’s father, Maryse had tried to push her way back into the family and undo all of the damage she’d caused in Alec and Izzy’s younger years. Izzy had welcomed her with open arms, forgiving her for everything she’d done, but Alec couldn’t do it; she had never apologised.

Alec knew she did to Izzy, once; she’d ran into his room and jumped on his bed like a little, excitable pre-teen and rambled to him about how happy she was that Maryse was changing and growing and fixing her past mistakes, and then she’d revealed that she had received an apology from their mother for everything that she’d done to her when they were younger. 

Alec was happy for her, of course; Izzy deserved to have a real mother, not just a stand-in. But he couldn’t help the feeling of bitterness that squeezed his heart like a vice whenever he heard her talk about it. Maryse had never apologised to _him_. 

“Alexander?” Alec’s head snapped up to identify the intruder, but he relaxed as soon as he recognised Magnus. 

His husband was standing in the doorway of the training room, wearing dark slacks and a t-shirt, which Alec knew meant he was done with clients for the day. Alec peered at the clock on the training room wall and was shocked to see that it was five thirty already. By the Angel, had he really been in here that long? 

“Alexander, are you alright?” Alec didn’t answer, turning back to the punching bag and landing another stinging hit. He heard Magnus wince from behind him, and guilt swelled in his throat, threatening to choke him. He hated this, hated it when Magnus found out, but sometimes he needed the pain and the blood and the old addiction to carry him through whatever it was he needed help getting through. Better a punching bag than a real person, who could easily crack under the pressure. 

“Your siblings told me what happened,” Magnus ventured carefully. “About your mother.”

Alec stiffened. “What about her?”

“She’s dead,” Magnus said bluntly, and Alec felt relief wash over him. He didn’t think he could handle it if Magnus had danced around the subject like all of the Shadowhunters at the Institute, and even his own friends & family, when they’d tried to comfort him. 

“Yeah, she is,” Alec forced his voice to work. He didn’t look at Magnus. “What does it matter?”

“You tell me,” Magnus answered, and Alec growled and splattered blood all over the punching bag with his next blow. 

“There’s nothing to tell,” Alec snapped. “She’s gone. Whatever. Fine. So be it.”

Silence. And then, “You can’t really mean that, Alexander.”

“Oh, but I do,” Alec growled. He whirled around to face Magnus, clenching his hands, dripping with blood, into fists at his sides. “Who am I supposed to be mourning, Magnus? My mother? That woman hasn’t been my mother since I was two.”

“She loved you, Alec,” Magnus said, and his voice was surprisingly strong for what Alec thought was a pretty weak claim. 

“Did she?”

“Of course she did, Alexander!” Magnus stepped further into the training room, closing and locking the door behind him, but he didn’t try to approach Alec, which Alec was grateful for. 

“She sure had a funny way of showing it,” Alec mumbled. 

“What do you mean?”

“What the hell do you think I mean?!” Alec snapped. He gestured to the punching bag in front of him, and the blood that decorated it. “Who do you think taught me that, huh? Who do you think made me feel like I had to practice and train and work until my fingers fucking bled and I passed out on the training room floor from exhaustion? Who do you think _drilled into me_ that I was never good enough?” Tears began to slide down Alec’s cheeks, and he wiped them away angrily. “Who do you think treated me like just another soldier and not her fucking son?” 

“Oh, Alexander,” Magnus breathed, and his golden cat’s eyes were soft with understanding. Alec swallowed hard. He felt open and vulnerable, and it was a feeling that he hated and steadfastly avoided whenever he could.

“Alexander, you are allowed to grieve,” Magnus began, and Alec groaned. He’d heard this speech two times from Izzy, even more from Jace. He didn’t need to hear it again. 

“She’s still my mother, how could I, blah blah blah,” Alec snapped. “Save me the sermon.”

“That’s not what I was going to say,” Magnus replied calmly. 

Alec blinked tears from his eyelashes and looked up at Magnus. “It’s not?”

“No,” Magnus replied, and Alec thought he detected a hint of sad reminiscence in his husband’s tone. “I was going to say that you are allowed to grieve the mother figure you never had.” He took a step towards Alec, slow and cautious, like he thought he might spook him if he moved too fast. “You are allowed to grieve for all of the wishes you made on stars that were never answered, for all of the times she wasn’t there for you, for everything you wanted with all that you were but never got because she was your mother and you deserved so much better, Alexander.”

Alec’s lip trembled. 

Magnus was almost right in front of him now, and he lifted his hands to hold the sides of Alec’s face. His grip was strong and secure, making Alec feel comfortingly like he didn’t have to do anything but exist in the present moment, with the one he loved. Nothing more. “ _Feel_ ,” Magnus commanded Alec. He jabbed his finger into Alec’s chest where he knew Alec’s heart was. “ _Feel_ , Alexander. You are allowed to feel.”

Alec couldn’t contain the sob that escaped him at that, and he tried to turn away, put his hands over his face, _something_ , but Magnus wouldn’t let him. “Shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” Magnus whispered. He wrapped Alec in a tight embrace and whispered in his ear, “I’m so proud of you, Alexander.”

That made Alec cry even harder and he turned, burying his face in Magnus’s neck. His mother had never said that to him, never been proud of him, never acted like anything he did was something to _be_ proud of. He was nothing special, she’d treated him like everyone around him was more important than he was, and it had made Alec want to die when he was younger. He remembered nights on the roof of the Institute just wishing she cared, afternoons tied to the training room bruising his knuckles on this very punching bag until they bled, early mornings wrapped up in the temptation of the swells underneath the Brooklyn Bridge. 

“It will be okay,” Magnus said, and Alec couldn't help but notice that it didn’t sound like the empty reassurances of his friends and family. It sounded like a promise. 

Alec took a deep breath, inhaled the scent of Magnus’s sandalwood cologne, and allowed himself to trust in the words of his husband. It _would_ be okay; he just had to believe in himself and believe in Magnus. Together, they would rise above it. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open, but very slow! Thanks for your patience! <3
> 
> If you love Shadowhunters, chaos, and gaining new friends (or any combination of the three), I invite you to [join the Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) I run with my friends! We're a multifandom server that caters to Shadowhunters, Supernatural, Marvel, and more. We welcome everyone, and we'd love to have you! <3


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